


everything, and nothing at all

by stranglerfig



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dialogue-Only, F/M, Healing, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-18 11:57:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21760534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stranglerfig/pseuds/stranglerfig
Summary: “If you had the time…could it have been more?”xFive years ago, James and Remus chose Lily and Sirius. That was supposed to be the end of it.
Relationships: James/Lily, Remus Lupin/James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 80





	everything, and nothing at all

**Author's Note:**

> After some experimentation, I've found this format reads more clearly on a desktop, if you have the option! <3  
> edited 3/14/2020 for clarity

“You were with _Remus_?”

“It wasn’t anything…it wasn’t anything Lily.”

“You and _James_?”

“Sirius, it was…it was…it was nothing.”

“Not anything?”

“Well, not _not_ anything—look, it was just before _us_ , right?”

“You never told me.”

“It wasn't important, Sirius.”

“Just before? How just before?”

“Really just before. And we both decided…”

“Even though it was—well—we called it off. For you and Lily.”

“It didn’t mean—well, I mean—Lily, look, we ended it for you and Sirius.”

“... _for_ us?”

“You’d just asked me on a date, Lily’d just agreed to go out with James…”

“So we ended it. And that’s all.”

“Is this why you wouldn’t kiss me for the first month?”

“Is this why you turned away every time I tried to kiss you for a month?”

“…Sirius.”

“Lily, please.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t see why you _have_ to say anything! It’s over! It was never…it was never _not_ over! We didn’t get a chance to—”

“—never had the time for it to be anything _more_ , Lils. There’s nothing to be upset about.”

“Never had the time? What do you mean?”

“What does that mean, you didn’t get a chance?!”

“Sirius, please. Why are you upset? It was nothing!”

“But it _could_ have been something?”

“If you had the time…could it have been more?”

“What does it matter? What does any of this matter?”

“Sirius, we decided who was more important. I chose you.”

“But there was a choice? And I didn’t know about it?”

“It matters that you had to choose, James! And I had no idea!”

“But I chose _you_!”

“I chose _you_ , Sirius! And now you’re digging all this up—”

“I don’t understand why you can’t let this go—”

“We never even _talked_ about it again, do you understand!?”

“It’s not like we ever even looked at each other again!”

“It was mutual, Sirius, it was a mutual split and no one else had to know—”

“We did what was best for everyone, we didn’t ruin anything—”

“And we were right! We’re happy! It doesn’t matter that—”

“We did the right thing, no matter—”

“…it doesn’t matter that what, Remus?”

“Nothing. Nothing.”

“No matter? No matter _what_?”

“It isn’t anything.”

“So it _was_ a sacrifice, wasn’t it?”

“It wasn’t an easy choice, was it?”

“…yes.”

“No.”

“Do you still…?”

“Would you still…?”

“No! Sirius, look at me! Never! I chose you, he chose Lily, and we’ve never regretted it, do you understand? Why don’t you understand? That you’re the most important thing to me?”

“How can you ask me that? _I love you_ , you, Lils, I can’t—I don’t understand—why can’t you let it go?”

“Like you did?”

“Then why is it still so raw, Remus? Why are you talking like I’m tearing your heart out just by asking about it?”

“What?”

“What are you saying?”

“Does it hurt, James?”

“What?”

“I just…this doesn’t sound like an old fling. It sounds like heartache.”

“I’m saying you love him.”

“He’s my best friend.”

“Remus.”

“I’m not mad, James. I’m surprised, okay?”

“Then why don’t you drop it?”

“Why haven’t _you_? It’s been five years.”

“Sirius, please. Please don’t.”

“Please don’t what? Moony, you’re crying.”

“Don’t leave me.”

“I…I don’t know.”

“I think you do. I’m not angry, James. Will you trust me?”

“Leave you? Moony, love, I’m not leaving you. Here, look at me. _Look at me_ , love. Remus, give me your hands. Shh, love.”

“I’m sorry, Sirius, alright? I’m sorry, I’ve tried to squash it, okay? I’ve tried and tried and tried and _tried_.”

“I know, love, shh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you panic.”

“Lily, for god’s sake, alright. I still feel it, is that what you want me to say? That I still feel it? I don’t want to! I’ve tried not to!”

“I hear you, dear. Can you trust me for a moment? Can you hear me?”

“I always trust you, Lils.”

“Remus? Breathing?”

“Breathing.”

“I don’t want you to keep living with this. This isn’t healthy.”

“I’ve _tried_ —”

“You said you’d listen.”

“I always thought if any one of us would shack up with James, it’d be me.”

“ _Shack up_ —Sirius!”

“I think Lily and Marlene had a bet on it once.”

“I’m listening.”

“Why don’t the two of you try?”

“Try?”

“Remus, I don’t like to see you hurting.”

“Then why bring this up?”

“Not just right now. Hasn’t it been hurting for five years?”

“Yes, try. Let me talk to Sirius.”

“Don’t talk to Sirius! What are you saying?!”

“It’s negligible, Sirius. Stop this. I’d never hurt you.”

“Obviously, Moony, I never thought you would.”

“Then what are you _saying_?”

“Don’t yell at me. We’re done yelling. We’re having an adult conversation like adults, and I’m telling you to see if Remus is still interested. After I talk to Sirius.”

“I am not going to cheat on my wife with my best mate’s partner.”

“It’s not cheating if I _let you_.”

“I’m saying…what if you two tried?"

“Tried _what_?”

“Giving it a go.”

“I am not seeing someone else while I’m married to you.”

“It’s _Remus_ , for god’s sake, James.”

“And…?”

“Giving it a….”

“Close your mouth, Moony. Lily willing, of course.”

“You just said you’re not leaving me.”

“ _And_ , he’s one of Harry’s godfathers, he’s been your mate for over a decade, and who else would I trust with you, anyway?”

“I don’t….”

“Christ, Remus, I’m not leaving you. I’m just wondering if maybe you want to have him too. Or try to, at least.”

“You…”

“James, just think about it. I’m going to talk to Sirius. It’s just…if this is still _hurting you_ , even after five years, and you still love him, and you still want to be with him, even though you made this choice and you’re happy,

I _know_ you’re happy…if you could have him too. Wouldn’t you want to try?”

“Are you telling me you don’t anymore? Don’t love him? Don’t hurt inside?”

“No, I…no. I can’t say that. It’s not true.”

“Think about it, love. I want you to be _happy_ , Remus. And it’s James, for fuck’s sake. Who else would I trust with you?”

“…alright. I’ll think about it.”

“Fine.”

“You’ll think it over?”

“Yes.”

“James?”

“Remus?”

“Sirius said…um.”

“Yeah, Lily, er, said she talked to him.”

“Christ.”

“I agree. How the bloody hell did this happen?”

“Do you think they’re watching from across the street?”

“Most probably. Sit? I got us tea.”

“Ah. Thanks.”

“So.”

“Er.”

“I know I was supposed to ease into it like Lily said but do you still…? Oh god, no, I take it back. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ve just been wondering and wondering and now you’re here and…and it’s been five years.”

“It’s been five years. James…”

“Remus?”

“Ask me again? Finish this time.”

“Do you still…do you still love me, Moony?”

“Like there’s a knife in my fucking heart, Prongs.”

“Ah. Sorry. Sorry I—damn it. Fuck.”

“Use my handkerchief.”

“It’s just that there’s been this gaping hole in my stomach for five years and it just closed.”

“Do you really want to—I mean. Sirius said some things, but Sirius is always saying things. We can’t, can we?”

“Lily says we can.”

“Lily is an eternal optimist.”

“And Sirius isn’t?”

“He says he won’t be jealous, but he will. I know he will.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do know it.”

“So maybe he will be. And maybe he’ll be okay anyway.”

“Are you trying to convince me?"

“Are you trying to be convinced?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe.”

“James—”

“Remus?”

“Never mind.”

“Remus?”

“James.”

“I’ve heard your voice every time I’ve fallen asleep for the last five years.”

“Oh—”

“Sometimes I feel your hand on my elbow and I turn around and no one’s there, and I miss you so much. Even though I saw you the day before, or two days before.”

“James.”

“When I can’t stop thinking about what it was like to kiss you, I make your favorite tea. I don’t drink it, I just hold it in my hands and smell it.”

“James, stop.”

“Am I convincing you?”

“I…”

“Tell me you don’t feel the same.”

“How can I tell you that? I can’t tell you that.”

“Then try. Let’s try. Please. Say yes.”

“… _yes_.”


End file.
